Dear Amy: My husband and I were dwarf parrots in college. We had so much in common!
Unfortunately, an autoimmune disease hit him when he was in good shape and he lost most of the sensation in his body.
At the age of 37, he worked on an unusual paleo diet and did a lot of internet research. He is now stronger and healthier than before the disease struck.
Now he makes his own kale chips, toothpaste and deodorant.
Honestly, I feel like I can not keep up.
He thinks I’m not thin enough while my doctor compliments my physique.
To avoid shaming, I store snacks and eat forbidden foods like oatmeal in the basement.
I thought it was supportive and sweet to help him pay for and put a sauna in the red light in the basement, and now I’m pressured to sit in it and absorb a health treatment I know nothing about.
I admit, I have not seen the same YouTube videos that he has.
Had I met my husband now, with all the health issues, I would not have continued the relationship because of these big differences between us.
When I expressed my feelings about this obsession, he threw “eBay shopping” back in my face.
I have a “you do” policy, but I’m starting to think it’s not a two-way street.
I do not want a divorce, just a reverse handle.
Dear Nutty: You do not seem to be trying to force your husband to join you in your eBay habit, but he seems to have the power (or you have given it) to lure you into a red light sauna, which currently has something of a moment with its promises to cure almost any ailment.
Your habits are hidden, and while you claim to have a “you do” philosophy, if you accept his right to eat and do what he wants, then why not accept your own right to eat and do what You want?
In short, if you do not want to eat and spend time in your basement red-light district, take your oatmeal upstairs.
I suggest you apply “reverse handle” on yourself.
Continue to accept and support his health journey – as you have been. And make a choice to take good care of yourself in your own way.
Health evangelists can be hard to live with. If he is bullying you about your body or ravaging you about your own confident personal choices, you should find a counselor who might be able to mediate.
Dear Amy: I’ve been hired on a new team where I work very closely with “Bruce.”
We are assigned group projects and hand in our work together.
The problem? He’s an idiot. He is a nice guy, but is sloppy in his work, incompetent, irresponsible and can not control priorities and deadlines.
We are both new and I am afraid that his bad work will reflect me badly.
I do not want to hurt anyone, but I wonder how long I will have to wait before contacting my supervisor.
I find myself in control of him even though we have the same job title.
What should I do?!
Dear concerned: If possible, wait until you have completed a project together. If you still believe that the quality of your work may be compromised by the “Bruces” incompetence, you should go to your supervisor and ask to be reassigned.
You should be able to do this without throwing him under the bus: “Bruce and I have very different work habits and abilities. I believe I could achieve much more and be more productive in working with someone else. Would it be possible?”
Dear Amy: When people write to you, then, would you be willing to change the word “girl” to “woman” or “young woman” when people refer to adults in their questions?
Calling a woman a “girl” is degrading and sexist. You have a powerful, feminist voice. I wish you would tell the world that you do this.
I think it would be eye-opening for a lot of people.
– Another Amy
Dear Amy: I agree that it is degrading and sexist to refer to women as “girls”. And yet other women most often (at least in the questions sent to me) use these terms with reference to: “girl night”, “girlfriends” “a girl I work with”, etc.
I believe that this language reveals the author’s basic attitude.
In general, I appreciate the way people tell their own stories, and I like to let those stories stay in the author’s voice.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at firstname.lastname@example.org or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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