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Have you seen the slander case about Johnny Depp? He is suing his ex-wife, Amber Heard, for calling him a wife banker. Apparently. Want some lowlights? Here are some lowlights.
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JOHNNY DEPP: After the wedding there was dinner, dancing and drugs.
OFF-SCREEN SPEAKER: You can not say you carried cocaine in that box?
JOHNNY DEPP: No, but it seems to fit some cocaine.
OFF-SCREEN SPEAKER: Sometimes you also drink whiskey in the morning, right, during this period?
JOHNNY DEPP: You know, I mean, happy hour is not a time?
I do not believe I’m the only person who’s ever knocked on a door or broken something.
On my side of the bed was human feces.
Talk about airing dirty laundry. So yeah, that’s sad. A little rough, somewhat captivating, but it’s also a little inspiring. So carry on with me with this.
First, we all grew up watching Depp. So of course we will be curious about what happens. We do not care what Peter DeLuise does. Do you remember him? And there are some ugly things in this case. There’s video of Depp smashing furniture, Depp hitting a wall. Lots of drinking and drug use. A finger is sliced, fainted, cursed, screamed, bottles thrown, beaten. What Dana Perino would call a quiet night at home.
In general, I stay away from this because it’s weird to turn people’s suffering into entertainment. If I want to, I can read Kat’s diary, that is, when Kilmeade returns it to me. He told me it’s a combination of Judy Blume and Clive Barker. But I feel dirty when I explore the pain of others and also the feces of others.
True, this may be the first time we’re ever seen people on TV talking about other people tumbling in their bed on purpose. Depp calls the action a gnawing – someone should warn Snow White about this right away.
JOHNNY DEPP: She was talking on the phone and they made a wonderful point of how funny it was that I thought some human had actually dropped a gnawing – wrong expression? – on the bed. And they were, yes, they tooted it, they laughed at it all, and I really did not feel I deserved it.
Well, she would probably like to show him what Gilbert Grape has eaten.
Of course, everyone has dirty laundry in an ugly divorce. In this case, the dirty laundry here was in fact really dirty laundry, and the whole world shared her trip to 21 Dump Street.
But there were other times when one could really sympathize with Depp, for example, why did he give drugs to Marilyn Manson?
OFF-SCREEN SPEAKER: One of your good friends that you’ve taken drugs with before is Marilyn Manson, right?
JOHNNY DEPP: We’ve been drinking cocaine together, maybe a few times.
OFF-SCREEN SPEAKER: OKAY. Pills, right? With Marilyn Manson.
JOHNNY DEPP: I once gave Marilyn Manson a pill so he stopped talking so much.
I know what Judge Jeanine is getting for Christmas.
But there’s a bigger story here beyond this dingy delicate. The fact is, Depp humiliates himself for a good reason. He exposes the most pathetic, sad part of his life because he feels it needs to be done. He needs to empty himself and not like Amber did on the bedspread.
It’s like chemo. He realizes that the treatment is insane, but it is the only way to overcome the cancer. So he carries his horrible existence, warts and all, in front of billions of strangers. How can he do that? Well, somehow he has immunized himself against the effects of embarrassment. And it’s a superpower. There is nothing you can do to him that he has not done to himself. It’s like Superman hoarding kryptonite before you can use it against him.
When I saw him, I found myself a little liberated for a few reasons. One is obvious that unlimited wealth, fame and good looks do not make you immune to suffering. So I have something to look forward to. But also the embarrassment hits us all, from the store owner to the store thief, from the moving car driver to the movie star. And it should bring comfort to your life – that we are all just under the harsh cruelty of our own fallible nature. Give us any embarrassment of riches and we could turn it into an embarrassment of embarrassments.
But what makes you immune to suffering is your ability to stop judging other people even if they judge you. That is why this testimony helps us all. When you first realize that even big stars are receptive to the humiliations of life, then you realize that life is difficult for everyone. You may be luckier than him. You may not be. Maybe you’re screwing up. Maybe you’re making yourself laugh. But the only person who really judges you is you.
The fact is that people overestimate how much others notice their mistakes. Now, it does not feel that way when it’s your fault. But people are generally too engrossed in their own problems to dwell on yours.
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So when I see Depp, I see a human sacrifice, an act of liberation for all of us, whether he knows it or not. He shames himself for all our sins. The fact is, I’m a weirdo and I do not care if anyone judges me for it, as I do not want to judge them in return. It is freedom because we are all hopeless sinners and fools and people. Depp performs the best performance of his career by performing a sacrificial act for us. He says I’m not like you. I may be worse and no yachts or mansions can save me. He accepts Oscar for being a flawed human being and punches himself in the face.
The result – you can see that we’re in this thing together, and nothing drives that point home better than someone else taking a dump in your bed. The only difference is that Johnny’s sheets have a higher number of threads.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the April 22, 2022 edition of “Gutfeld!”